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The essay push, that is. Now I have to wait and see whether my resubmissions passed, and see what happens with the other essays I put it. To be fair, I am expecting a resubmission to occur. But at the moment, I am concentrating on life as it happens.
And not that I am a football fan, or anything ( I actually dread the World Cup because I know I won’t get away from it, working with a massive gang of blokes who are all obsessed with football :-p)..but this deserves to be posted 
Posts have been slightly..non-existant in the recent past. Simple enough thing – too much work, too little time to do anything else.
Even now I am just waiting for the oven to heat up so I can make dinner. Then it’s pretty much time for bed, as tomorrow will be university day for me. Totally honestly, I am really not in the mood to go there and have to listen to people and lectures. I would much rather stay in the library here and work for two days.
And that sums everything up for me. I need to concentrate on my essays and university work, above all else. Work will be a distraction from Uni, with dayshifts being my designated days off when I will head to the gym for some training afterwards. All other days, whether nightshifts or days off, will be dedicated for studying.
So silence may carry on for a few months. I may give up on Twittering, not use Facebook..just speak to my friends via MSN and the phone. That is all. Cut myself off from people..
So I need to re-do a research proposal, and re-write an essay. On top of all the other essays I need to do. if I screw these things up, I will not pass my courses, and if I don’t pass the courses I will not get my degree. So no pressure whatsoever.. still, I know of atleast a few other people who have to re-do some work, so I am not the lone person who’s messed things up on the course.
Oh well. I will get a good night’s sleep, and then start working on a plan of how to tackle all this work in a month. I need to concentrate on the task in hand, and push myself as far as I can. And then, re-group and decide how to proceed with myself.. but for the next few months, my focus must be solely and purely on University work. And by God, I will come out from this as a winner, I truly will..and I will get that distinction, and blow them all out the water 
.
I do have to say that all of this was somewhat anticipated, so am sure I will be able to pass the assignments. I am slightly miffed that I missed the pass mark on one of the essays with only 2%, but hey, ho, I am still en route to have a good grade on it nevertheless. Still, I certainly want all of this to be kept away from the eyes of my ex, who no doubt would love to gloat about how brilliant he is. Luckily we’re in no real contact, and with any luck, we won’t be 
.
On top of all that, I felt completely crap today. The cold is still bothering me, and I came to Uni directly from a night shift.
On top of that my old ‘friend’ who I had a spectacular break-up detailed in an earlier blog with has re-surfaced again, not talking to me but ever-present. And that does not make me feel any better, as good friendships, when they break off, are disastrous to deal with, especially close friendships. However, positives have come out of getting away from someone who is judgemental. More certainty to follow my own path, and not to deny who and what I am. Sometimes you need that unkindest person to push you to the right direction .
I think that it is soon in order that I will head to bed and get some sleep before my sleepy ponderings will get too much for anyony to understand. Hopefully tomorrow will look better and brighter, and I will get together a plan on how to do all the coursework in time, so that I will pass and be able to get to my final years, and graduate.
The time for relaxation is later, now is the time to focus..
Finally…
OK, so another night at work is occurring as I type this. Technically I could be spending time writing about crystal meth for a project, or even pondering on the homology assumption in offending and what kind of an effect that has on criminal profiling.
But no, the brain has seized to function in any decent way when it comes to academics, and the blog was born, a blog about stress, academics and how life can feel totally crap when it really isn’t. Beware, though, parts of the blog will probably be very self-pitying, but hey ho, if I want to vent, then vent I will.
The weekend is and has been fraught with stress. I have been suffering for the worst cold I have had in ages (first one in this winter which has led to chapped skin under my nose and a general appearance that apparently is ‘ashen’ (comment courtesy of our cleaning supervisor). On top of that I got a massive heating bill I need to get my housemate to cough up the 50% she’s due to pay (I expect moaning about it, even though she is the one who consumes all the electricity and heating), my new essay results are due next week (I am not at all confident that I have even passed, thanks to the scare tactics of our head of department, so am expecting fails and resubmissions. Hell, if I pass, even with a scraping mark, I will be so happy).
Add to that the fact that the one person I have been in daily contact with for a good five or so months has suddenly gone silent on me, as well as realizing that another friend and myself have totally grown apart in the past few months, and yeah, it has been a weird weekend indeed.
At this moment in time, I would love to be able to skip a month or so ahead, just so I know I have been able to coast this relatively tough time
It feels stupid to call this a tough month. I am working, I can pay my rent. I am relatively fine, health-wise, I am not actively dealing with a bereavement, I don’t hate my job… but there are niggly things that have gotten to me recently. Feeling under the weather, feeling broke, stress at work due to changing companies, dealing with a new colleague who has something in his personality I find…unappealing.
My main stress is no doubt University. Getting back a practice essay that was a clear fail was a big knock to my confidence, and it does not help that my friends who passed all moan about how crap they were. To add to the insult, my ex who is heading to a first in his undergraduate degree, has rubbed it into my face after recently contacting me after months of silence. Now, on Monday, I am due to get two results back, and I fail to see any light at the end of the tunnel with them. I feel convinced I will not pass, that I will fail the resubmissions and that I will fail my course.
Sometimes, when you’re feeling lass than confident, the last thing you need are particularly brilliant and intelligent people trying to get reassurance from you. No-one’s telling me that I’ll be fine, after all, so why should I reassure people who will clearly be fine?
Stress and negativity are weird things. Another person’s disaster is another’s everyday life. I am sure my stress and negativity will disappear when I will get my studies sorted, start feeling (and looking!) like a human again and get some sleep that isn’t uninterrupted by bouts of coughing.
