What A Day

So I need to re-do a research proposal, and re-write an essay. On top of all the other essays I need to do. if I screw these things up, I will not pass my courses, and if I don’t pass the courses I will not get my degree. So no pressure whatsoever.. still, I know of atleast a few other people who have to re-do some work, so I am not the lone person who’s messed things up on the course.

Oh well. I will get a good night’s sleep, and then start working on a plan of how to tackle all this work in a month. I need to concentrate on the task in hand, and push myself as far as I can. And then, re-group and decide how to proceed with myself.. but for the next few months, my focus must be solely and purely on University work. And by God, I will come out from this as a winner, I truly will..and I will get that distinction, and blow them all out the water .   

I do have to say that all of this was somewhat anticipated, so am sure I will be able to pass the assignments. I am slightly miffed that I missed the pass mark on one of the essays with only 2%, but hey, ho, I am still en route to have a good grade on it nevertheless. Still, I certainly want all of this to be kept away from the eyes of my ex, who no doubt would love to gloat about how brilliant he is. Luckily we’re in no real contact, and with any luck, we won’t be .

On top of all that, I felt completely crap today. The cold is still bothering me, and I came to Uni directly from a night shift.

  On top of that my old ‘friend’ who I had a spectacular break-up detailed in an earlier blog with has re-surfaced again, not talking to me but ever-present. And that does not make me feel any better, as good friendships, when they break off, are disastrous to deal with, especially close friendships. However, positives have come out of getting away from someone who is judgemental. More certainty to follow my own path, and not to deny who and what I am. Sometimes you need that unkindest person to push you to the right direction .  

I think that it is soon in order that I will head to bed and get some sleep before my sleepy ponderings will get too much for anyony to understand. Hopefully tomorrow will look better and brighter, and I will get together a plan on how to do all the coursework in time, so that I will pass and be able to get to my final years, and graduate.

The time for relaxation is later, now is the time to focus..

Finally…

A Moment Of Negativity

OK, so another night at work is occurring as I type this. Technically I could be spending time writing about crystal meth for a project, or even pondering on the homology assumption in offending and what kind of an effect that has on criminal profiling.
But no, the brain has seized to function in any decent way when it comes to academics, and the blog was born, a blog about stress, academics and how life can feel totally crap when it really isn’t. Beware, though, parts of the blog will probably be very self-pitying, but hey ho, if I want to vent, then vent I will.
The weekend is and has been fraught with stress. I have been suffering for the worst cold I have had in ages (first one in this winter which has led to chapped skin under my nose and a general appearance that apparently is ‘ashen’ (comment courtesy of our cleaning supervisor). On top of that I got a massive heating bill I need to get my housemate to cough up the 50% she’s due to pay (I expect moaning about it, even though she is the one who consumes all the electricity and heating), my new essay results are due next week (I am not at all confident that I have even passed, thanks to the scare tactics of our head of department, so am expecting fails and resubmissions. Hell, if I pass, even with a scraping mark, I will be so happy).
Add to that the fact that the one person I have been in daily contact with for a good five or so months has suddenly gone silent on me, as well as realizing that another friend and myself have totally grown apart in the past few months, and yeah, it has been a weird weekend indeed.

At this moment in time, I would love to be able to skip a month or so ahead, just so I know I have been able to coast this relatively tough time
It feels stupid to call this a tough month. I am working, I can pay my rent. I am relatively fine, health-wise, I am not actively dealing with a bereavement, I don’t hate my job… but there are niggly things that have gotten to me recently. Feeling under the weather, feeling broke, stress at work due to changing companies, dealing with a new colleague who has something in his personality I find…unappealing.

My main stress is no doubt University. Getting back a practice essay that was a clear fail was a big knock to my confidence, and it does not help that my friends who passed all moan about how crap they were. To add to the insult, my ex who is heading to a first in his undergraduate degree, has rubbed it into my face after recently contacting me after months of silence. Now, on Monday, I am due to get two results back, and I fail to see any light at the end of the tunnel with them. I feel convinced I will not pass, that I will fail the resubmissions and that I will fail my course.
Sometimes, when you’re feeling lass than confident, the last thing you need are particularly brilliant and intelligent people trying to get reassurance from you. No-one’s telling me that I’ll be fine, after all, so why should I reassure people who will clearly be fine?

Stress and negativity are weird things. Another person’s disaster is another’s everyday life. I am sure my stress and negativity will disappear when I will get my studies sorted, start feeling (and looking!) like a human again and get some sleep that isn’t uninterrupted by bouts of coughing.

Fury In The Morning

It looks like my so-called friend has just dumped me. For a while now I have been really tired and busy, and have had someone aggravate me big style in my private life. That has, I admit, split into my personal life, and I have been very tired and in a dark mood. I have had to socialize with people that I don’t really care about as my friend is totally unable to be on her own, but always has someone from her ‘group of minions’ there with her.

Now, it seems, that my friend does not want to see me before I snap out of this ‘mode’ and be ‘nicer’ (whatever that means).

 Oh well, not much I can say. After she sent me a message which was quite obviously pretty nasty, I decided ‘fair enough’ and sent her a message where I told her that I would cancel attending an event I was suppose to attend, as she was there. I am planning to do the same with a number of social engagements where she will be – if I am so bad to be around with, then why should I be where I am not wanted?

 I don’t know.. I fully admit that I was been in a dark mood, but it’s understandable. Work has been very stressful, I have no time to do enough reading for my course, and I have been physically ill, as well as unable to go and train normally (hence putting on weight and generally feeling like shit). However, I think people ought to have some flexibility to understand that – I know that I have put up with a lot of crap from her over the course of time I have known her.

 Maybe this really is the parting of the ways for us? I know that where I have been very upset about her harsh words, I have also felt suprisingly calm. Like I am relieved that I don’t have to deal with the people that she always has hanging around her. 

 It feels awful to say, but I suspect I am more upset about her message than I am about actually not seeing her again. We’re both exceptionally demanding people, so maybe we’re both better off with people who are more ‘quiet’.

 This does put me in front of a dilemma, anyway. How do I deal with her from now on? I don’t see any point in going to her at any point, even when my stress subsides – I don’t think that I would have to be put into a position where I feel I need to grovel about the fact that I have been under tremendous pressure in the past months, and that I feel ill. And I don’t know how I could ever forget her words..

And there’s another issue here I failed to mention – the fact that she did something with my ex that I count as unforgivable. Now..she does not know that I know . Maybe that feeds into the fact that I feel very snappy with her, very irritable, quite angry and her hypocracy about being faithful and the whole woman-to-woman solidarity.

 For now, I think I have to concentrate on myself. On work, studies, and my health. I have friends at work  I enjoy, I have friends at University I enjoy. Why should I worry about losing someone who causes me hugely contrasting emotions, anyway..