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I have yet again absolutely and totally forgotten the blog. Or not forgotten as such, just decided to leave it alone. One of those times in life, I think, where things feel stressful enough and any blogging would feel counterproductive. After all, who wants o read about rants.
I have also been pondering about moving my blog to Blogger, where I have another blog. Maybe make it more coherent, more cohesive and visually more pleasing. I dare not move my journal back to deadjournal where I have a blog, and have had one for years now (2002 – I feel so very old writing that 
). My blog mainly transcriped my life at University doing an undergraduate degree, and the following life, wondering around aimlessly and having a quarterlife crisis 
.
This blog, I keep writing it, just random posts here and there. And it doesn’t seem that locical to me for some reason. This blog is disjointed, mainly because my life feels disjointed, as well. I work too many hours. I study. I try to work out what my life is about, deal with problematic ex- friends, wondering about relationships, drinking lots of coffee, trying to survive. But there isn’t much ‘logic’ in it, because there is no logic to my life .
Hmm. Maybe I do need a change of pace.
So. here I am, at my current University, frantically trying to decide what to do next. I don’t think I want to become a ‘responsible adult’, so am seriously considering doing some further study. And my further I mean another undergraduate degree 
.
Some of the readers may know that I have had my heart set in the graduate entry medical degree for a bit, and lo and behold, I have just realized that financially it actually may be a possibility. However, having to do the clicical apritude test this year is not a possibility, so I suspect that I may indeed have to wait until next year to apply, and think of something good to do in the meantime.
Nottingham Trent University has some cracking courses on fashion and art, so I am considering doing something that I might actually enjoy, and dipping my toe into a pond of superficial frivolity for once. So I am seriously considering that a bout of UCAS madness will soon commence, and that I will have a look at what is out there for me to do.. or then I might just be a bore and carry on working. My next plan is to pay off my debts and then saver enough money to buy my planned Balenciaga bag. From a shop. In Paris.
No, nothing dubious or serious, just a morning after my final nightshift. Have an action-packed few days ahead, from online conversing with a friend to meeting someone else for a coffee, and a third person for a drink. On top of that, need to write a letter to get shot of my old gym membership, go to my new gym, pick up a hoodie, clean the house for my landlady’s visit tomorrow, return some shoes, order replacement shoes for the returned shoes, book flights for my holiday next week.. yes yes, it appears to be a busy few days indeed.
Just wanted to drop by and say ‘I am still here’. I am still alive . And I plan on posting, as have plenty of ideas to post, plenty of things to talk about. But not just now, as coffee calls, and then, housework..
I am currently wasting time at work, adjusting my eBay maximum bids and wondering about new things to get (the eye is on a Chanel lipgloss, am just waiting to snap it up, bwuahaa *insert evil laugh* ). With any luck, tomorrow might bring me the winning bids on a handbag ( a blatant and open Balenciaga rip-off ) and a little makeup bag (Dior – call me a label whore). Other priorities will be getting a Westwood credit card holder and purse.
Bloody eBay. I am contemplating on a new challenge for myself. The original cunning challenge was wearing only black, but now I am tempted in attemptiong to get my accessories and doing new makeup discoveries from eBay only.. hmmm. Cheaper and a hell of a lot more exciting than spending lost of money in shops, non?
OK, so another night at work is occurring as I type this. Technically I could be spending time writing about crystal meth for a project, or even pondering on the homology assumption in offending and what kind of an effect that has on criminal profiling.
But no, the brain has seized to function in any decent way when it comes to academics, and the blog was born, a blog about stress, academics and how life can feel totally crap when it really isn’t. Beware, though, parts of the blog will probably be very self-pitying, but hey ho, if I want to vent, then vent I will.
The weekend is and has been fraught with stress. I have been suffering for the worst cold I have had in ages (first one in this winter which has led to chapped skin under my nose and a general appearance that apparently is ‘ashen’ (comment courtesy of our cleaning supervisor). On top of that I got a massive heating bill I need to get my housemate to cough up the 50% she’s due to pay (I expect moaning about it, even though she is the one who consumes all the electricity and heating), my new essay results are due next week (I am not at all confident that I have even passed, thanks to the scare tactics of our head of department, so am expecting fails and resubmissions. Hell, if I pass, even with a scraping mark, I will be so happy).
Add to that the fact that the one person I have been in daily contact with for a good five or so months has suddenly gone silent on me, as well as realizing that another friend and myself have totally grown apart in the past few months, and yeah, it has been a weird weekend indeed.
At this moment in time, I would love to be able to skip a month or so ahead, just so I know I have been able to coast this relatively tough time
It feels stupid to call this a tough month. I am working, I can pay my rent. I am relatively fine, health-wise, I am not actively dealing with a bereavement, I don’t hate my job… but there are niggly things that have gotten to me recently. Feeling under the weather, feeling broke, stress at work due to changing companies, dealing with a new colleague who has something in his personality I find…unappealing.
My main stress is no doubt University. Getting back a practice essay that was a clear fail was a big knock to my confidence, and it does not help that my friends who passed all moan about how crap they were. To add to the insult, my ex who is heading to a first in his undergraduate degree, has rubbed it into my face after recently contacting me after months of silence. Now, on Monday, I am due to get two results back, and I fail to see any light at the end of the tunnel with them. I feel convinced I will not pass, that I will fail the resubmissions and that I will fail my course.
Sometimes, when you’re feeling lass than confident, the last thing you need are particularly brilliant and intelligent people trying to get reassurance from you. No-one’s telling me that I’ll be fine, after all, so why should I reassure people who will clearly be fine?
Stress and negativity are weird things. Another person’s disaster is another’s everyday life. I am sure my stress and negativity will disappear when I will get my studies sorted, start feeling (and looking!) like a human again and get some sleep that isn’t uninterrupted by bouts of coughing.
..me, that is. On my defence, I have been spending the past week with a cold so bad I have frequently felt like my brain was about to initiate evacuation procedures through my nose. The brain is still there, and the nose is distictly chapped from having been vigoroulsy rubbed with toilet paper all week. Such is life .
However, that does explain the lack of any postings here. Once I kick this cold, the blogging will return. Hopefully. The ideas are there, but there’s nothing there pushing them out!
So far, thus, the week has been spent by doing very little, and very little seems to be following. So there.
But, to finish this post off, a ‘Hard Core Logo’ fan vid. Because HCL is a classic
..is that even when numbnuts (my colleagues lovely and accurate nickname for our supervisor, who surely is a part-time nazi and a full-time moron) is not at work meddling with things, life there can still be a struggle indeed.
As mentioned before, we shall be TUPE’d over to another company a week today. Same job, same wage, just a different uniform. Re-branding, I suppose. Next week we will not be ‘Marathon, we’ll be Snickers’. So today we have been training a relief officer from the new company who will be able to come in and do our job if we haven’t got enough staff in. But seeing as they’re being trained, it’s been all about them sitting and us working. He was bored, and so were we, as they day was very quiet. Cold breeze through the doors and the heating cranked up to the max really didn’t help, and now the first signs of a cold can be felt. Bloody marvellous.
And we have another day of it to go. And then he’s with me on a night shift. Still unable to do anything. So I do stuff, and he’ll follow me around and watch me do it. Grr.
