Fury In The Morning

It looks like my so-called friend has just dumped me. For a while now I have been really tired and busy, and have had someone aggravate me big style in my private life. That has, I admit, split into my personal life, and I have been very tired and in a dark mood. I have had to socialize with people that I don’t really care about as my friend is totally unable to be on her own, but always has someone from her ‘group of minions’ there with her.

Now, it seems, that my friend does not want to see me before I snap out of this ‘mode’ and be ‘nicer’ (whatever that means).

 Oh well, not much I can say. After she sent me a message which was quite obviously pretty nasty, I decided ‘fair enough’ and sent her a message where I told her that I would cancel attending an event I was suppose to attend, as she was there. I am planning to do the same with a number of social engagements where she will be – if I am so bad to be around with, then why should I be where I am not wanted?

 I don’t know.. I fully admit that I was been in a dark mood, but it’s understandable. Work has been very stressful, I have no time to do enough reading for my course, and I have been physically ill, as well as unable to go and train normally (hence putting on weight and generally feeling like shit). However, I think people ought to have some flexibility to understand that – I know that I have put up with a lot of crap from her over the course of time I have known her.

 Maybe this really is the parting of the ways for us? I know that where I have been very upset about her harsh words, I have also felt suprisingly calm. Like I am relieved that I don’t have to deal with the people that she always has hanging around her. 

 It feels awful to say, but I suspect I am more upset about her message than I am about actually not seeing her again. We’re both exceptionally demanding people, so maybe we’re both better off with people who are more ‘quiet’.

 This does put me in front of a dilemma, anyway. How do I deal with her from now on? I don’t see any point in going to her at any point, even when my stress subsides – I don’t think that I would have to be put into a position where I feel I need to grovel about the fact that I have been under tremendous pressure in the past months, and that I feel ill. And I don’t know how I could ever forget her words..

And there’s another issue here I failed to mention – the fact that she did something with my ex that I count as unforgivable. Now..she does not know that I know . Maybe that feeds into the fact that I feel very snappy with her, very irritable, quite angry and her hypocracy about being faithful and the whole woman-to-woman solidarity.

 For now, I think I have to concentrate on myself. On work, studies, and my health. I have friends at work  I enjoy, I have friends at University I enjoy. Why should I worry about losing someone who causes me hugely contrasting emotions, anyway..